“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
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Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
some cats are just doing for fun!
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
🙋♀️
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles