ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
#Caturday
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Day 2 of my diet
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.