Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
channeling her this year
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.