Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
he’s doing your taxes
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
old twitter is back baby
A leaf blower, but for people.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring