Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March