Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes