Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Holy shit he’s back