Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]