Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
A new level of troll.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.