Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

😎

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine