moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
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[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
edward fingerhands
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.