Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

😭😭😭

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*