Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
In case you needed to hear it:
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Put this video in the Louvre
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.