Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.