Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Just how popey was the pope today?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.