Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts