Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.