Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
😾
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies