Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all