Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
What?!?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Straight people are cancelled
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.