MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.