Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills