Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Hell yeah 👍

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.