Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

🙄

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.