[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
This meal prepping shit is easy
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.