moms in horror movies

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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.


Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.


[working at Bed Bath & Beyond]
ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Shower head.
ME: Sir, please, we just met.


Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”


I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.


I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?


Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?