moms in horror movies

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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking


are you the girl who types everything said in court?
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*


Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?


me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased


“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”


“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.


Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.


Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no


Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.