moms in horror movies
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.