ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
BANKER: okay, just checking
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.