moms in horror movies
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so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
as is their right
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy