Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

What about second breakfast?

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.