Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

figuring out my emotional availability:

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

And now we wait

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?