Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
this has done me in for some reason
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.