Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?