Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.