Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

Breaking news:

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Breaking news:

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*