Moms. The original autocorrect.
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.