Moms. The original autocorrect.
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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
This will never not be funny to me.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
HOW DARE YOU
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.