moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
