moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
*3.5 thank you very much.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
