moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
🥴😂
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
estão todos miauvindo?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
