moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The legends were true
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
