Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.