“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra