“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Breaking news:
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.