Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

So creative 😂

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

They got a point!

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

💀💀

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

This kid is going places

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious