Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

😂🐈‍⬛

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.