Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.