[taking my son to band practice]
me: kids really make fun of you for this?
son: yeah they think your band sucks
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home
Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
*orange falls out onto floor*
M: *mumbles* yes
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Well this was a highlight of my day
I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*