@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

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@daemonic3

[taking my son to band practice]

me: kids really make fun of you for this?

son: yeah they think your band sucks

@ohheyohhihello

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

@nthonyswan

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.

@tiemoose

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

@Big_Cat74

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*