[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Remember folks 😂
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
A male goth is called a broth.