Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”