Monday
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The Book. The Movie.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
good morning
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day