Monday
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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.