Monday
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My background check bounced.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.