Monday
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catch me on valentine’s day like
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Everyone’s family
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra