Monday
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Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.