Monday
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..