monday
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT