monday
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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*