monday
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[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
(2022)
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.