monday
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Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes