Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

Just as the prophecy foretold

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.