Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I see your IQ test came back negative
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
This is Sparta
I love twitter
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Sending in my taxes
