Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Beast: I鈥檒l be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I鈥檒l love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I鈥檓 up!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass