Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
shit just got real
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.