Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online