Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
You Might Also Like
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
do u think theres a butter planet?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I hate when someone gets on the treadmill right next to me at the gym because I’m worried they may ask me to share my Doritos.