Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.