Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here: