Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.