Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Covid like
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.