Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

can’t talk my ride’s here

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

☺️

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome