Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.