doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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[getting cuffed and arrested]
me: but officer it was medicinal
cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee