@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

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@DanMentos

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

@daemonic3

[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

@TitansHomer

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

@FunkyFresh_79

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.