Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.