Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

This kid will have a bright future.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?