Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey